A Godsend

AOL 3.0. That was my first internet experience. I don't remember quite how I convinced my mother to get the internet, but one of friends was on it. That meant I had to have it too. He helped me set up my account and helped me set up my first name. In no time at all I was exposed to the wonders of the internet.

I experienced many things.. including all too easy to obtain porn.. and role playing. Both of which I still enjoy.

*Cough*

I don't remember how it happened. I think I was searching for porn.. or maybe not. Though that is the most likely scenario. I had become interested in the phenomenon of "chicks with dicks" and "shemales". I honestly don't remember. I just remember seeing the link that would change my life. It was an online diary. One now famous in the trans community. It was the story of a man that had become a woman. It recounted every detail of his childhood right up to the day. He was more than twice my age when he started transition. I was enthralled by this person's story. I remember exactly how my heart felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. The way my jaw was slightly slack while I read it. How I felt short of breath no matter how much I breathed. The amazing revelation that washed over my being.

This was me.

Every feeling described. Every desire expressed. Every hope, every dream, and every sorrow. I shared them all. I suddenly knew what I was. I knew what could be done. I knew there was hope. It was like part of me was suddenly complete. I was a transsexual. That was the name for it, and I could be a girl. It was almost like a guide of how to go about getting what I wanted. I was stuck to my computer screen. My every free moment from then on was spent reading this diary. Finding out about this person that was so like me and had achieved everything I had ever wanted.

Pure joy. That's what it was. At least for a short time. I remember the pictures. One was of her in a swimsuit. It was an amazing picture. You never would have known. This person was a woman in every way. A pretty face.. curves.. even hips. If this person achieved so much so late in life.. there was certainly hope for me while I was still so young.

My life would never be the same again.



Ok, so that was a bit too dramatic, yes? It really did change my life. It's a feeling I can't quite describe, but it is one I will never forget. I remember the strange sensation in my skin. A moment of perfect clarity. Like a secret of the universe decided to reveal itself to me. It was the beginning of the end of my life as a boy, I guess you could say.

After this I scoured the internet. I looked up everything I could on this. Hormones.. their effects.. what to expect. What procedures could be done. I even found a few things on how to pass easier(though they wouldn't be useful for a few more years). I told myself I'd do it. I wouldn't be like all these other people that waited so long to come out. I was terrified by puberty.