I'm Alright.. and Not

That is to say, I'm unhurt. I didn't do anything drastic. I've been feeling alright for the past week. I've just been relaxing and trying to sort through some things mentally. Examining my behavior.. my beliefs.. examining where my life is headed. What should I change about myself.

As usual I'm right back where I started.

Not to mention it's only a matter of time till I lose control again. No matter what I personally decide to do.. that won't change. There is no amount of willpower and chanting "I will change" that can stop that. I suppose I should explain the last post a bit. I didn't want to come right out and say it. I don't want to be one of the many people on the net self diagnosing mental illnesses and using it as an excuse to be a huge 'tard.

I've known I wasn't all there for a while now, but I don't know quite what was wrong. Doctors didn't either. The ever changing diagnoses dance got tiring so I stopped bothering. They couldn't give me anything that did help so what was the harm in saying I didn't need help anymore? Waste of money. I've been anxious about it since then though. What DO I have? I've read stuff.. medical sites.. that sort of thing. If I did come across something I could always go back and ask to be checked, right?

Well, there is an uncomfortably good chance I am bipolar. Till recently I've taken my mother's stance on the subject.

Mom> *Looking over her glasses at me.. and in the most deadly serious tone..* You are not bipolar.

It was silly, right? No way. Well, I traded stories with friends that are confirmed bipolar. Aside from the boy to girl thing.. our childhoods match up way to well. It's actually kind of creepy how similar the stories are. Practically word for word. It makes me.. uncomfortable. It isn't just the mood swings. There are other facets. I never considered myself paranoid.. or at least not delusional. Though comparing stories.. and looking back on my childhood..

Ugh. Not that I can do anything now. Money is tight. Doctors and medication are expensive as hell, and I don't want to look like a fool and say "hey I need to be checked for bipolar" and ends up I'm just being a hypochondriac.

Who am I kidding? Money IS tight, but that is just a convenient excuse. Truth is I'm scared. What if I go in and I'm right? It seems I am only right when I don't want to be right. It scares me more than I can admit.. even to myself. I try not to think about it.





So, what have I been doing all this time? Not much. Still searching for a job. Plenty of places hiring but none of them ever actually hire anyone. A gas station has had a sign out for months now. Walmart? I actually managed to get an interview once but never got a call back. I need money to continue college, dang it. Not even that. I need to get various doctor visits. Then I need to pay off my credit card(it's sort of the family work horse. We are in a situation where we can pay as much as we are spending.. with a little left over.. but not enough to pay off my parent's collected debts.. at least it's getting me one hell of a credit rating). Usually I just never get a call back. At least I have something new to put on my resume.. so that might help from here on out. Time to reapply everywhere.

Off the subject of jobs though.. if only to prevent myself from going into my usual "what is the value of going to college for an art degree? why don't I just skip the expense and get a day job like i'd have to anyway?" debate.

I did a TOTAL spazz thing. I got milk all over my PS2, and I hadn't finished God of War 1(hey.. I never got a PS2.. why not cash in on the massive library of games that are now going dirt cheap?) or even played some other games I had. I hit the glass.. and it went EVERYWHERE. I'm surprised my room doesn't smell like sour milk now. By the time I realized it was on the PS2.. it was too late to save it. The power button would go green when I pressed it.. then go red again immediately. Then I dropped it. Now something rattles inside it. I cried.

*Hangs head in shame*

Yeah. I'm a complete spazz. I don't know how I can be so graceful AND clumsy at the same time. I sneakily got another PS2. I have a 3k+ credit limit and wasn't using half.. plus plenty in my savings to cover another one. I told my mom.. AFTER I bought it. She agreed that I had too many new games to let go to waste, but the look of sheer HORROR on her face when I told her was classic. It was.. hilarious.. I almost laughed. Oh dear Lord I would pay to see that again. I think she thought it was more expensive than it was. She was relieved when I told her the price. A week's groceries. Still plenty of money, but it won't break the bank.

What else? I've been obsessing over the status of that little thing between my legs. As the result of my little episode I've been wondering if I am just fooling myself into believing I can live like this. I know some will find this offensive.. but I've been doubting my status as a girl because of it's presence. Like I used to a decade ago.. I go to bed hoping for some kind of miracle. I'll wake up and be a real girl. Pray.. despite every part of my mind saying it isn't rational to expect anything to come of it.

I had settled down. I was content to be a girl with a little something extra. It was no big deal. Then suddenly boom.. it wasn't alright. For no reason at all it was no longer alright. The trigger for the freak out had nothing to do with it, but I was suddenly wondering why I wasn't born the right way. Did I do something to deserve a punishment? Did God just hate me? Was I doing something wrong or evil in my life to deserve it? Hopefully anyone reading this now understands what I mean by my mind ripping itself apart. It was a self destructive thought process that was tearing me down from the inside out.

I still wonder if there is anything at all I can do. Is there any way I can change..? I know it's silly. I know it's stupid. No power on this earth can help me, and there is no miracle coming down(hard for me to even type that.. It's giving up all hope). Still, I won't be getting SRS. Having a penis, in and of itself, doesn't bother me. No no.. it's what I'm incapable of that gets me. No surgery.. nothing that can be done will give me what I want. Not what I really want. Yeah, having an actual vagina wouldn't be all it's cracked up to be(GG> What do you mean you WANT cramps?!), but I don't care. I want the whole experience.. even the not so fun parts. I'd suffer a lot to get it.

I wish the universe would just speak up and name its price. As irrational as it is.. I still can't give up hope that there is something out there that can help. I just don't know how to reach it. Sometimes it feels like that is the only reason I keep going.. that maybe.. one day.. the impossible won't be so impossible.



That's pretty much how my time since my last post has been. A flood of confusion and doubt when I had just become certain of my path in life.. only to feel like I've gone nowhere due to my inability to change what I feel is wrong.

Random thought: The episode of Camp Lazlo where they try to catch a snipe was on while I wrote the last part of this. I remember that gag in scouts. The more experienced scouts and leaders tried to play that trick on us. I caught on immediately(Too smart for my own good sometimes.. sometimes), but I decided to play along anyway. Those in on the gag were grateful I decided to keep my mouth shut.

*Point*

Look! There it is! A snipe!

*Contains laughter as friends rush to find it*