I no good at intarnets.
Seriously, I suck at finding stuff. Almost everything I know of on the net.. I was linked to by someone else.
My request is somewhat specific. I'd like links handy for trans people to have. Particularly I'm interested in good places to socialize online. It's easy to stumble over any of the basic information people need, but finding good places for online support(person to person) is a bit harder. I used to be registered to a decent forum as Cats Cradle.. but I lost the dang link in a browser update.
I dislike when I can't point others I run across toward a good community to chat with.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Many things..
Hm, only a week since my last post. Not bad considering I am recovering from what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. In a way I am glad I still live with my parents. I can freak out in my room an no one has to be the wiser. No employer to get on my case for missing work or anything like that.
I'll just cover a few things buzzing around in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and keep bringing more than one post a week.
Hair hair hair. I love my hair. I've said that before right? I know I have. I'll spare the whole speech and say my hair is cut short at the moment. Horror of horrors. I remember once I nearly lost it when I found out a stylist cut it short(this was years ago) despite my instructions. Now.. it doesn't bother me so much. I collect pictures. I am a picture pack rat. At LEAST 50% of the data on my hard drive is jpeg. I do it because I am an artist. I save anything that strikes me in a certain way.. or a hairstyle I like.. or an outfit.
After a while.. I started seeing all these neat pictures of women with short hair. They looked good with it. They looked sexy. It slowly separated me from my long hair obsession. I thought about cutting it.. but getting as long as I had it took a while(even with as fast as my hair grows). I also still liked it that way.
Well, seems odd little opportunities just drop in my lap constantly. It's weird. Do I have this odd aura of luck that presents opportunities just after I consider something? My grandmother wanted me to donate my hair to cancer patients.. you know.. for wigs. I had great hair, and it would really help some people out that lost their hair to kemo. I considered it.. and.. why the hell not?
I got it shaped up after the hair was collected. Long in front.. very short in back. A style I had seen that I liked. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm torn(and with how fast my hair grows it's time to decide if I want to grow it out again). On the one hand it seems to emphasize the fact I look horribly young and adorable. On the other hand.. I do look good with this style. I wouldn't mind looking a bit more mature. I guess it is a grass is always greener thing. Like perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so bad to wait a bit longer to transition. Then again, it seems more like my genetics than when I transitioned. Either way, I hope whoever has my hair is happy and cancer free.
What if I was born a girl. How different would I be as a person? It's not something I can deny.. or anyone in my position can rightly deny. I'm a different woman than I would have been had I the privilege of being treated as a girl my whole life. What kind of girl would I be?
It's hard to say. I can see some possible paths that are quite likely based on real events in my life. I got involved in gymnastics fairly heavily for a time. I never really did anything except as something fun in my spare time. My parents could tell I needed some sort of outlet. A certain program fell into our laps. Gymnastics! They asked rather hesitantly if I wanted to try. They must have been surprised when I responded so enthusiastically. I liked it. I did. I stopped going to the professional gym at some point.. but I still keep in shape and limber. I could see myself diving head first if aloud to freely pick any path I desired. Miss Kitty.. gold medalist! Ok.. so not that.. but I could see myself trying to compete on a small level if my parents were willing to pay.
Though, perhaps more likely, is Miss Kitty the tomboyish geeky type. It seems like such an utterly odd twist of fate, doesn't it? A complete 180. Not a rejection of femininity, mind you. Just settling in where I'd be comfortable. Nothing filling my head over what I should or shouldn't be doing. My secret shame.. I am a huge dork. Not just because I hang out on the internet. If you've ever ran into the geek hierarchy chart.. I fit into quite a few places on there. Also, much to my shame, I enjoyed DBZ as much as I did Sailor Moon. Both dragged me into the world of anime.. both kept me glued to the TV back in the day when I had no idea what anime was. Hell, I still enjoy watching DBZ(favorite part ever is when Gohan goes nuts over android 16's death). I have a box set of uncut dubbed sailor moon sitting behind me. I just wish they'd redub Sailor Moon and give it a non suck dub. Reading is fine, but I just want to sit back and enjoy. Then there is the fact I would still be doing martial arts. Then a number of other things I can thank to my specific experiences on either side of the boy girl line. I'm also a slob by nature(though nature can be overcome).
Strange how drastically different the same person can be when you change one little thing, huh? Just that spot between the legs. Change that and suddenly my life isn't recognizable. Ok, I'd still be a geek either way(a geek in the closet is still a geek!), but my attitude toward my gender and my role and what I want to be.. I can imagine myself being drastically different. Some things are only so important because I wasn't aloud to have them once upon a time.
Then again, maybe not so different. Maybe there is an off beat, brave, loud, and openly geeky slob of a girl in me waiting to get out? Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought. Maybe I escaped one set of expectations only to let myself fall into another? I think I'm going to make a list as soon as this post is finished. What I truly enjoy. What I only enjoy because of my struggles. What I do because I am expected to.
It's time to stop just bitching about it and examine myself in full detail. It's time for another change. Time to redefine who I am. I know I am a girl, but what else? I can't make just one jump and expect everything to work out.
One final parting thought. There is no such thing as normal. Nobody in the world can claim to be normal. The world has some strange idea that there should be some baseline everyone matches, but no matter where this line falls.. no one is on it perfectly. Everybody has some weird quirk they have to live with. Everyone has some oddity. Everyone has a little bit of crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with.
Never think you are alone. I know it can be hard.. even impossible to get yourself to realize it.. but you aren't alone. Even if it isn't exactly the same, everyone else is going through something similar. There are parts of themselves they can't or won't deal with. Things they wish they could change. Things they think are unnatural. Things society tells them is wrong. Things they are made to feel ashamed of. Things that are part of the human condition.
There is no normal. Only a foolish and undefined ideal that makes everyone feel bad about themselves. Trying to match it is foolish... and trust me on this one.. will only leave you exhausted in the pursuit. Change what you can. Realize it is pointless to worry about what you can't change. Decide if you are happy before trying to make anyone else happy.
I'll just cover a few things buzzing around in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and keep bringing more than one post a week.
Hair hair hair. I love my hair. I've said that before right? I know I have. I'll spare the whole speech and say my hair is cut short at the moment. Horror of horrors. I remember once I nearly lost it when I found out a stylist cut it short(this was years ago) despite my instructions. Now.. it doesn't bother me so much. I collect pictures. I am a picture pack rat. At LEAST 50% of the data on my hard drive is jpeg. I do it because I am an artist. I save anything that strikes me in a certain way.. or a hairstyle I like.. or an outfit.
After a while.. I started seeing all these neat pictures of women with short hair. They looked good with it. They looked sexy. It slowly separated me from my long hair obsession. I thought about cutting it.. but getting as long as I had it took a while(even with as fast as my hair grows). I also still liked it that way.
Well, seems odd little opportunities just drop in my lap constantly. It's weird. Do I have this odd aura of luck that presents opportunities just after I consider something? My grandmother wanted me to donate my hair to cancer patients.. you know.. for wigs. I had great hair, and it would really help some people out that lost their hair to kemo. I considered it.. and.. why the hell not?
I got it shaped up after the hair was collected. Long in front.. very short in back. A style I had seen that I liked. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm torn(and with how fast my hair grows it's time to decide if I want to grow it out again). On the one hand it seems to emphasize the fact I look horribly young and adorable. On the other hand.. I do look good with this style. I wouldn't mind looking a bit more mature. I guess it is a grass is always greener thing. Like perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so bad to wait a bit longer to transition. Then again, it seems more like my genetics than when I transitioned. Either way, I hope whoever has my hair is happy and cancer free.
What if I was born a girl. How different would I be as a person? It's not something I can deny.. or anyone in my position can rightly deny. I'm a different woman than I would have been had I the privilege of being treated as a girl my whole life. What kind of girl would I be?
It's hard to say. I can see some possible paths that are quite likely based on real events in my life. I got involved in gymnastics fairly heavily for a time. I never really did anything except as something fun in my spare time. My parents could tell I needed some sort of outlet. A certain program fell into our laps. Gymnastics! They asked rather hesitantly if I wanted to try. They must have been surprised when I responded so enthusiastically. I liked it. I did. I stopped going to the professional gym at some point.. but I still keep in shape and limber. I could see myself diving head first if aloud to freely pick any path I desired. Miss Kitty.. gold medalist! Ok.. so not that.. but I could see myself trying to compete on a small level if my parents were willing to pay.
Though, perhaps more likely, is Miss Kitty the tomboyish geeky type. It seems like such an utterly odd twist of fate, doesn't it? A complete 180. Not a rejection of femininity, mind you. Just settling in where I'd be comfortable. Nothing filling my head over what I should or shouldn't be doing. My secret shame.. I am a huge dork. Not just because I hang out on the internet. If you've ever ran into the geek hierarchy chart.. I fit into quite a few places on there. Also, much to my shame, I enjoyed DBZ as much as I did Sailor Moon. Both dragged me into the world of anime.. both kept me glued to the TV back in the day when I had no idea what anime was. Hell, I still enjoy watching DBZ(favorite part ever is when Gohan goes nuts over android 16's death). I have a box set of uncut dubbed sailor moon sitting behind me. I just wish they'd redub Sailor Moon and give it a non suck dub. Reading is fine, but I just want to sit back and enjoy. Then there is the fact I would still be doing martial arts. Then a number of other things I can thank to my specific experiences on either side of the boy girl line. I'm also a slob by nature(though nature can be overcome).
Strange how drastically different the same person can be when you change one little thing, huh? Just that spot between the legs. Change that and suddenly my life isn't recognizable. Ok, I'd still be a geek either way(a geek in the closet is still a geek!), but my attitude toward my gender and my role and what I want to be.. I can imagine myself being drastically different. Some things are only so important because I wasn't aloud to have them once upon a time.
Then again, maybe not so different. Maybe there is an off beat, brave, loud, and openly geeky slob of a girl in me waiting to get out? Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought. Maybe I escaped one set of expectations only to let myself fall into another? I think I'm going to make a list as soon as this post is finished. What I truly enjoy. What I only enjoy because of my struggles. What I do because I am expected to.
It's time to stop just bitching about it and examine myself in full detail. It's time for another change. Time to redefine who I am. I know I am a girl, but what else? I can't make just one jump and expect everything to work out.
One final parting thought. There is no such thing as normal. Nobody in the world can claim to be normal. The world has some strange idea that there should be some baseline everyone matches, but no matter where this line falls.. no one is on it perfectly. Everybody has some weird quirk they have to live with. Everyone has some oddity. Everyone has a little bit of crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with.
Never think you are alone. I know it can be hard.. even impossible to get yourself to realize it.. but you aren't alone. Even if it isn't exactly the same, everyone else is going through something similar. There are parts of themselves they can't or won't deal with. Things they wish they could change. Things they think are unnatural. Things society tells them is wrong. Things they are made to feel ashamed of. Things that are part of the human condition.
There is no normal. Only a foolish and undefined ideal that makes everyone feel bad about themselves. Trying to match it is foolish... and trust me on this one.. will only leave you exhausted in the pursuit. Change what you can. Realize it is pointless to worry about what you can't change. Decide if you are happy before trying to make anyone else happy.
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