Hm

It has become abundantly clear that I am a gigantic idiot.

Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.

Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.

There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.

I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

Random News

Other than trying to decide if I should keep recounting the story of my life..

I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..

Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.

Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.

I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.

I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.

Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.