In the Beginning

There was naught but darkness. Then God put up a disco ball and had a wild drunken party.

So here is where we start to slow down. We leave childhood behind. I'm officially a teenager. One with veins pumped full of estrogen no less. The estrogen was quite a good feeling at that. Calming.. like it belonged. Delicious, delicious estrogen. I'm not sure I would be sane without it. Ok, so I'm not sane, but I would be even less sane.

Of course it wasn't just happily ever after. There was a whole mountain of things I hadn't considered. I was very anxious to dive head first.. damn the torpedoes. I could have easily passed as an underdeveloped girl with my hair grown out. Luckily my mom had her head on her shoulders. She wouldn't buy me anything unless more time had passed. When I was ready to go full on girl. I'd be going gender neutral as much as possible.. wither I liked it or not.

I was heart broken. So close yet so far. To come all that way only to face setback. I knew just showing up at school as a girl was a bad idea, but I was still upset. Only a matter of time though. Only a matter of time. Still, it wasn't all bad. I was aloud to start growing my hair out, and I was never going to have to suffer a regular male puberty.

Still, it was only delaying the inevitable. D-day would come no matter what I did. I'd reach the point where I couldn't hide behind anything clothing choice. Questions would be asked, and the immaturity of the average middle schooler would kick in. I could only fly under the radar for so long. Though the further away that was the better. Eventually I came to terms with this. As much as I wanted it.. I didn't need to put myself in front of the firing squad. School wasn't going to last my whole life. The longer I could hold out the less I had to suffer.

I didn't have to go totally without though. I was able to get away with not getting a haircut. My hair grew like a WEED too. It always has. In no time I was deflecting questions about my hair. I was letting it grow? Why? No one teased me over it, thankfully. I simply said it was something I wanted to try. No one pushed me more than that. Though, I was getting a little annoyed after the millionth time of asking. No one teased me, but EVERYONE asked sooner or later. The few compliments I got were nice though. I don't think they realized how good that felt either. People liked my hair long. It looked good.. it suited me.

Stimpy> JOOOOOY!
Ren> *Whap* Quiet you fool!

At times I could tell myself I already looked like a girl.. or could pass for one easily if everyone didn't already know me as a boy. That helped me a lot, and I fantasized just that all the time. I was already there.. I just wasn't the type of girl to go super girly. I did enjoy the simple act of pretending I was just another girl in class. One would be amazed at how much expectation goes into the perception of how you look. It's easier to fool people into thinking you are another gender if no one knows better. They'll take it at face value. They'll unknowingly overlook the proof staring them in the face. It's actually kind of strange how much overlap their can be in the genders in this respect. I notice it all the time(I unknowingly trained myself in this while obsessing over my own looks.. if you look up Vanity my picture should be right there). Real men with less than manly features that no one notices. Beautiful women that, if you focus on the right features, could be men in drag!

What you expect alters what you see. I probably could have pulled it off, but it would have been a nightmare. The reactions. The paperwork. The paperwork. Did I mention the paperwork?