Coming out..

Angst angst angst.

Yeah, we are skipping ahead a lot for now, but again there isn't much to say. I did a lot of worrying about coming out. I was on the verge of telling my mom so many times. I mean I could feel the words forming in my mouth, but I could never do it under my own power. I knew how my parents would feel. My mother's feelings came out on the subject because of a day time talk show. Yeah, my teen is a transsexual or something like that. She.. didn't approve.. to put it mildly.

So how did it happen? I'm only 22 now, and I am already as feminine as I'm getting.

Well, somehow or another I landed in the one place I needed to be for this. My regular doctor made me take a survey, and I showed some clear signs of depression. So off to the crazy person's doctor to get my head checked. It was your ordinary first appointment. Just go in and give a basic rundown of what was happening and how I thought. The guy had probably done it a million times. He just had to ask that question though.

"Have you ever contemplated suicide?"

It broke my brain. Up until that moment I was calmly, if very timidly, giving my answers. I became absolutely hysterical. The tears wouldn't stop. I said yes, I had, as coherently as I could manage while bawling my eyes out. I didn't stop there. I told him everything.

Everything.

My mouth was running itself. I couldn't stop. My mom had been sitting in(me not even being a teenager yet.. I was nervous about seeing him alone). Imagine her shock when it all came out. I not only hated being a boy as intensely as I was capable of, it contributed to an attempt to take my own life that she had never been aware of. I don't really remember what she was doing. I wasn't able to pay attention to much that was around me. I imagine she was absolutely terrified. I'm my parent's only child.. and a miracle of science at that. They shouldn't have had me, and they could have lost me without ever knowing something was wrong. Sure, I was naturally a shy little thing, but that? I can say now I am genuinely sorry I did that to her. I'm starting to cry just thinking about putting her through that kind of thing.

So, yeah, I was an absolute mess. I had to be brought in again for more evaluation. They had to be doubly sure what this was. Most people came out when they are already living alone. A child that knew this about them self.. and one that was that mature and self-aware.. was unusual. It was more than slightly nerve wracking. I had no idea what I would do if the hammer came down and they said no.. I didn't really want to be a girl. That I could never have my dream.

My parents handled it marvelously. I'd guess the prospect of losing your only child was scary. I know parents of trans children feel like they are losing a child and gaining another, but my parents faced the possibility I could kill myself. They weren't losing a child. They were saving one. My mother felt like that at least. My father I don't know quite so well, but I imagine mother put her foot down with him while I wasn't around(yeah, who wore the pants in the family?). I just know they never rejected my decision in the open. Now that the rush is over.. I have the strong desire to ask them what was going through their minds. I know they love and accept me. I don't need to know that. I just want to know what went unsaid. I know they must have bit their tongues hard.. for my sake.

Now, it wasn't quite that easy. I did have to do a lot of hoop jumping before I got any sort of treatment(namely visit after visit to talk about stuff), and even then they didn't just hand me a bottle of estrogen. I was still fairly young. However, I did manage to get a medication to hold back the puberty beast. I'd prevent me from feeling any effects from testosterone should it decide to go to town on my body. It gave me more time to be sure of what I was doing.. and let me get into a more safe range for beginning treatment.

I was going to make this my next post, but it would have been too short for me to be satisfied with. I didn't have to wait long to start more. Every day waiting felt like an eternity at the time, but in retrospect I was on the real deal pretty quickly. I was always worried they'd say no.. or I suddenly wouldn't be aloud. Any thing that I could think of to come between me and being a girl.

By now I was in Junior High.. or Middle school. The name got changed from Junior to Middle in 8th grade. I was overjoyed when I finally got to start. I was giddy with excitement from the moment I got the ok. Containing myself in school was a chore. I was doing it.. I was going to be a girl! It was very odd because it was near my birthday. It was like a birthday present. I went in a child.. and came out a teenage girl... well almost. It was a very good birthday gift at any rate.

Now, obviously I am a standout case in many respects. I got help very early, but it doesn't end there. I hit the genetic jackpot. I'm naturally short and shrimpy. I think 5'3'' is even short for a girl these days. I'm not sure it stops there though. Kids here bloom early.. boys and girls(something's in the water! AHH!). Certain.. uh.. goings on downstairs make me think I was already being clawed at by puberty. I was getting signs before I was ten, actually(though barely before then). I probably should have been further along than I was. Girls were already looking like girls and boys like boys pretty quick. I was behind.. maybe even a little girly already.

Now.. I could have been a late bloomer.. but the specifics make me suspicious of a condition I have heard of recently. A friend of mine actually has it. It's an insensitivity to male hormones and an overproduction of female ones. I honestly wouldn't be surprised. I'm already a pile of various medical conditions.. mental and physical. What is one more? At least that one helped me. Not that it matters anymore, but I do have a natural curiosity.

It's all pretty unbelievable. Even to me. Not to mention downright unfair. It's like the perfect storm... or something. No one should have to put up with two puberties.