Alone

Wow. It takes THIS to make me post more than once every ten years, huh?

The house feels horribly empty. I've been spending a lot more time sitting in the same room as my parents.. just watching whatever they are. I could have seen him and pet him any time I wanted. Just go one room over and pet him a bit. I can't do that ever gain. I'll never again hear his nails clack on the wood floor outside my room in the middle of the night. No getting up to let him out before he thinks he can't get out and decides to go on the floor instead(he learned what the bathroom was for.. at least..). No wondering why he randomly pokes his head in my room at random times in the day. I think about the spot he liked to lay in.. and know I'll never find him there.

Now everyone else is asleep. I'm tired.. but I know I won't be able to sleep for a while yet. I used to like having the house to myself at night. I'm a night owl. Now I hate it. I don't want to be here alone.



Oh, this is an old ruling. One that was made early last year even. Long before he even had his ear infection. Mom decided that these were our last two dogs. No more. After they were gone that was it. She'd told me. I kind of agreed. Dogs were expensive and money was getting tighter. What if a dog got ill.. and could be saved.. but we didn't have the money? Apparently she never told dad.

He kind of freaked out about it when she told him. I woke up when a door slammed. Sounded like someone fell so I checked.. she told me what happened. He's been acting like a gigantic butt in general since mom called him at work with the news... that only made him worse. He was a lot less upset after a nap today. He must be having a hard time. I haven't seen him cry over it yet.. and i hope I don't. It's entirely selfish.. but seeing him cry always makes me break down. I can't help it.

Everything feels off. Everything. I had no idea. I never knew. I'd thought about what I'd feel like if he died before. I always came to the conclusion I would be disappointed in my lack of emotion. I never gave him enough attention. I figured our connection wasn't that great. I never knew how much I just depended on him just being there. I never knew the connection was so strong. We didn't need to play together. He didn't do that kind of thing anyway. We just needed to be near each other. That was enough for both of us. That's all either of us wanted.

Now it's like I can feel the emptiness around me.