Dead

He's dead. My dog is dead. Only twenty minutes ago(as of the start of this post) he was put down. I stayed there the whole time. I wasn't going to leave him alone in a strange room with strange people. I'd never have forgiven myself.

He wasn't well for a while, but it wasn't this bad. He's had an ear infection that just wouldn't go away. He was fine and perky with medication, but going off it made his ears spew crud. We had to battle with fleas constantly, but it wasn't too big of a deal(just required a lot of attention to keep him comfortable). He's been more inactive in recent years. Hell, I got him when I was still in daycare. He was old, but he'd never been this bad. He changed what seemed like instantly over the course of the week.. or even less. I don't even know. I was all too glad to let him just lounge if that is what made him happy.

Looking back it should have been obvious something was seriously wrong. Ear problems aside, he was being unusually lethargic the past few days. Even for him(he was never a very active dog.. even as a puppy). He wouldn't eat his dog food(hard food.. he'd eat bits of meat). He was going outside less and less. He even had a pressure sore from laying in the same spot(with all his fur we only saw it after giving him a flea bath). It just happened so fast. One moment.. lazy but happy. The next we were having to drag him outside to wash him because he was too tired to want to walk on his own. He wanted to go outside after the bath. At the time I thought he was just standing around looking at stuff.. but in retrospect.. knowing what I know now.. he was probably trying to pee but couldn't.

Renal failure. He might have been fighting it off for a while. It just FINALLY got him now. His body couldn't compensate anymore. With all his fur you'd never know(he was just one big pile of it).. but he'd lost a lot of weight in a very short space of time. Even if we had all the money in the world.. our options were nothing more than a kind of life support. He'd be constantly going to the vet to get fluids to keep him on his feet. He'd need a special diet to make sure his kidneys didn't do much work. Even with all that he'd still be lethargic and in pain. It wouldn't have been fair to him. Not at all. I did the only thing I could for him. I stayed with him every moment at the end. I made sure he could see I was there. I wasn't going to abandon him in his final moments. My mom left the room.. and I don't blame her. He was mine. I was the one that needed to stay with him. He was so scared to be at the vet.. but he was too weak to do anything this time. I couldn't do that to him.

I'd been meaning to do a portrait of him for a while. Just take a big piece of paper and draw him. I'd put it off so many times. Why didn't I do it while I had the chance? Why didn't I pay more attention to him? I shouldn't have just let him lay in his favorite corner. He loved being pet and brushed. I should have taken more opportunities to do that. I should have done more to make him comfortable.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was December.. almost my birthday. I believe school was out, but my mom and dad worked full time so I had to stay at daycare. Suddenly, mom walked into the playground. She was carrying the most adorable white fluffy puppy. American Eskimo. He had this little santa like hat on. He looked completely worn out. Turns out mom had taken the whole day off instead of working. She'd gotten him from a breeder(not a pet store.. a real breeder) then spend the day getting him his shots and all that stuff. She'd showed up around lunch.. so I got to spend the rest of the day lavishing my love on this adorable creature. It was the most wonderful birthday gift I've ever received. He was kind and loving. He liked nothing more than to lay at your feet and keep you company. That was all he ever desired.

That was very close to fourteen years ago. I hadn't even started my transition yet(gotta mention the trans thing eventually.. this is a trans blog.. right? I think it still is). We let the vet dispose of the body. There is too much out here that would decide to dig up the body.

I don't know what to do from here. I knew his time was coming soon. He was slowing down, but he was gone like that. I barely even had time to say goodbye.