Losing My Grip

It's getting worse.

No, that isn't right. The freak outs and breakdowns aren't getting worse. I'm losing my ability to deal with it. I'm already over the cliff's edge. I'm hanging on by my finger tips, and my fingers are worn out. I look down.. and can't seem to see the bottom.

It's wearing me out. The ups and downs. Even the ultra happy highs are wearing on me because the rush of uncontrollable energy will inevitably leave me wasted just in time to do something constructive. Then there is the fact that the ultra highs come with the ultra lows. The bizarre freak outs and breakdowns. When they actually come, there is nothing I can do. It has to run it's course. Nothing anyone has done has ever changed this. That is just the way my life is. Either irritatingly happy and full of energy.. nothing able to keep me down.. or an inconsolable wreck of a human being.

This time it was bad. After a brief flash of blinding anger.. I lost it. With nothing to take out my rage on I broke down. My mind tore itself apart as I paced about. Then I was an unmoving heap on the floor.

I don't know. I don't know. This was my chant. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. What I should do. What I should think.

Logically.. I knew I could move.. but I was unable to summon the willpower to do more than twitch a little. I'm not sure how long I stayed like that, but I eventually lifted myself into bed(luckily I "chose" to shut down right there) and curled in a ball. I cleared my head and batted away any thought before it was finished forming.. trying to save myself from my own mind.

Nothing.. nothing.. just think about nothing. That is how I saved myself. I imagine myself in a little bubble all curled up. Nothing in it but me. Just me. Nothing else. No thought. No sound. Just me.

It's the first time I took such strange steps to keep myself under control. I've had episodes before, but that was the first time I ever felt like my mind was just.. unraveling. I think the roller coaster has just worn me out. What I wouldn't give to be calm. Not happy.. not sad.. just calm. Mellow. Not a zombie, mind you. Just.. calm.

Just a normal calm girl. What wouldn't I give? Nothing. I'd do damn near anything for it.