Dead

He's dead. My dog is dead. Only twenty minutes ago(as of the start of this post) he was put down. I stayed there the whole time. I wasn't going to leave him alone in a strange room with strange people. I'd never have forgiven myself.

He wasn't well for a while, but it wasn't this bad. He's had an ear infection that just wouldn't go away. He was fine and perky with medication, but going off it made his ears spew crud. We had to battle with fleas constantly, but it wasn't too big of a deal(just required a lot of attention to keep him comfortable). He's been more inactive in recent years. Hell, I got him when I was still in daycare. He was old, but he'd never been this bad. He changed what seemed like instantly over the course of the week.. or even less. I don't even know. I was all too glad to let him just lounge if that is what made him happy.

Looking back it should have been obvious something was seriously wrong. Ear problems aside, he was being unusually lethargic the past few days. Even for him(he was never a very active dog.. even as a puppy). He wouldn't eat his dog food(hard food.. he'd eat bits of meat). He was going outside less and less. He even had a pressure sore from laying in the same spot(with all his fur we only saw it after giving him a flea bath). It just happened so fast. One moment.. lazy but happy. The next we were having to drag him outside to wash him because he was too tired to want to walk on his own. He wanted to go outside after the bath. At the time I thought he was just standing around looking at stuff.. but in retrospect.. knowing what I know now.. he was probably trying to pee but couldn't.

Renal failure. He might have been fighting it off for a while. It just FINALLY got him now. His body couldn't compensate anymore. With all his fur you'd never know(he was just one big pile of it).. but he'd lost a lot of weight in a very short space of time. Even if we had all the money in the world.. our options were nothing more than a kind of life support. He'd be constantly going to the vet to get fluids to keep him on his feet. He'd need a special diet to make sure his kidneys didn't do much work. Even with all that he'd still be lethargic and in pain. It wouldn't have been fair to him. Not at all. I did the only thing I could for him. I stayed with him every moment at the end. I made sure he could see I was there. I wasn't going to abandon him in his final moments. My mom left the room.. and I don't blame her. He was mine. I was the one that needed to stay with him. He was so scared to be at the vet.. but he was too weak to do anything this time. I couldn't do that to him.

I'd been meaning to do a portrait of him for a while. Just take a big piece of paper and draw him. I'd put it off so many times. Why didn't I do it while I had the chance? Why didn't I pay more attention to him? I shouldn't have just let him lay in his favorite corner. He loved being pet and brushed. I should have taken more opportunities to do that. I should have done more to make him comfortable.

I remember the first time I saw him. It was December.. almost my birthday. I believe school was out, but my mom and dad worked full time so I had to stay at daycare. Suddenly, mom walked into the playground. She was carrying the most adorable white fluffy puppy. American Eskimo. He had this little santa like hat on. He looked completely worn out. Turns out mom had taken the whole day off instead of working. She'd gotten him from a breeder(not a pet store.. a real breeder) then spend the day getting him his shots and all that stuff. She'd showed up around lunch.. so I got to spend the rest of the day lavishing my love on this adorable creature. It was the most wonderful birthday gift I've ever received. He was kind and loving. He liked nothing more than to lay at your feet and keep you company. That was all he ever desired.

That was very close to fourteen years ago. I hadn't even started my transition yet(gotta mention the trans thing eventually.. this is a trans blog.. right? I think it still is). We let the vet dispose of the body. There is too much out here that would decide to dig up the body.

I don't know what to do from here. I knew his time was coming soon. He was slowing down, but he was gone like that. I barely even had time to say goodbye.

Proast! Hah Hah!

(I was making this a reply to the comments to the last post.. but it got so long.. and I need to update with SOMETHING..)

My AIM is String Games, for the record.

Also, to the person above cosma, I've found out my one key skill is.. well.. perception. Mostly from a conversation with a person with aspergers(no I don't have it.. at least I don't think). They said that all aspy suffers have ONE big area of expertise. After consideration.. mine would be perception.

It makes sense with how I learn and my natural art skill. I can pick up a great amount of detail and solve lots of problems with mental shape shuffling(ranging from math to word puzzles and such). It also allows me, as you said, learn even complex activities from simply watching people do things(handy skill, really). I knew precisely how to work a car before I was ten(no.. I never drove it). I'm the quiet perceptive type. Sitting back and soaking in everything around me. You'd be surprised how much you learn just by sitting back and paying attention. I find that is the biggest problem with kids in school. Other students wanted tips from me on why I was smart. I just said I actually payed attention in class rather than goofing off. I think a lot of them were a bit upset when I couldn't give them any super secret smart tips.

I am actually very capable. I just suffer from lots of confidence issues. If I don't get something right quick then I tend to give up(I expect myself to do it right on the first few tries..).

My biggest issue is actually RETENTION over the long term. I have a lot of issues with my memory. I mean a lot a lot. Basic daily life things as well as complicated stuff. I was having an emo spill in that post. The truth is I just don't remember specific names to be able to properly communicate what I know. So I end up coming off as stupid, and I can't back up any of my arguments despite knowing the other person is full of shit.

Also, yes, sometimes I have off periods. Times when I act a certain way for reasons I don't even know. Times when things start to make less and less sense. I get distressed.. then I lash out emotionally in some way.

Hm

It has become abundantly clear that I am a gigantic idiot.

Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.

Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.

There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.

I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

Random News

Other than trying to decide if I should keep recounting the story of my life..

I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..

Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.

Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.

I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.

I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.

Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.

Leo and Lilly

Just a little something I wrote. Pardon the dust, but I wrote it on the spur of the moment on a forum.. so I had to paste it a section at a time. It is grouped so I could easily paste it a bit at a time.

One thing, IT IS PORN. XXX. Don't look unless over 18!

YOU ARE WARNED.

http://rapidshare.com/files/110721226/Leo_and_Lilly.txt.html

Good for most people. Amazing for people with a transformation fetish.

As I said, spur of the moment. I had already done an outline, but I skimmed some stuff on purpose. At a later date I am going to go back and brush it up.. expand some ideas.

Calling all links!

I no good at intarnets.

Seriously, I suck at finding stuff. Almost everything I know of on the net.. I was linked to by someone else.

My request is somewhat specific. I'd like links handy for trans people to have. Particularly I'm interested in good places to socialize online. It's easy to stumble over any of the basic information people need, but finding good places for online support(person to person) is a bit harder. I used to be registered to a decent forum as Cats Cradle.. but I lost the dang link in a browser update.

I dislike when I can't point others I run across toward a good community to chat with.

Many things..

Hm, only a week since my last post. Not bad considering I am recovering from what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. In a way I am glad I still live with my parents. I can freak out in my room an no one has to be the wiser. No employer to get on my case for missing work or anything like that.

I'll just cover a few things buzzing around in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and keep bringing more than one post a week.




Hair hair hair. I love my hair. I've said that before right? I know I have. I'll spare the whole speech and say my hair is cut short at the moment. Horror of horrors. I remember once I nearly lost it when I found out a stylist cut it short(this was years ago) despite my instructions. Now.. it doesn't bother me so much. I collect pictures. I am a picture pack rat. At LEAST 50% of the data on my hard drive is jpeg. I do it because I am an artist. I save anything that strikes me in a certain way.. or a hairstyle I like.. or an outfit.

After a while.. I started seeing all these neat pictures of women with short hair. They looked good with it. They looked sexy. It slowly separated me from my long hair obsession. I thought about cutting it.. but getting as long as I had it took a while(even with as fast as my hair grows). I also still liked it that way.

Well, seems odd little opportunities just drop in my lap constantly. It's weird. Do I have this odd aura of luck that presents opportunities just after I consider something? My grandmother wanted me to donate my hair to cancer patients.. you know.. for wigs. I had great hair, and it would really help some people out that lost their hair to kemo. I considered it.. and.. why the hell not?

I got it shaped up after the hair was collected. Long in front.. very short in back. A style I had seen that I liked. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm torn(and with how fast my hair grows it's time to decide if I want to grow it out again). On the one hand it seems to emphasize the fact I look horribly young and adorable. On the other hand.. I do look good with this style. I wouldn't mind looking a bit more mature. I guess it is a grass is always greener thing. Like perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so bad to wait a bit longer to transition. Then again, it seems more like my genetics than when I transitioned. Either way, I hope whoever has my hair is happy and cancer free.




What if I was born a girl. How different would I be as a person? It's not something I can deny.. or anyone in my position can rightly deny. I'm a different woman than I would have been had I the privilege of being treated as a girl my whole life. What kind of girl would I be?

It's hard to say. I can see some possible paths that are quite likely based on real events in my life. I got involved in gymnastics fairly heavily for a time. I never really did anything except as something fun in my spare time. My parents could tell I needed some sort of outlet. A certain program fell into our laps. Gymnastics! They asked rather hesitantly if I wanted to try. They must have been surprised when I responded so enthusiastically. I liked it. I did. I stopped going to the professional gym at some point.. but I still keep in shape and limber. I could see myself diving head first if aloud to freely pick any path I desired. Miss Kitty.. gold medalist! Ok.. so not that.. but I could see myself trying to compete on a small level if my parents were willing to pay.

Though, perhaps more likely, is Miss Kitty the tomboyish geeky type. It seems like such an utterly odd twist of fate, doesn't it? A complete 180. Not a rejection of femininity, mind you. Just settling in where I'd be comfortable. Nothing filling my head over what I should or shouldn't be doing. My secret shame.. I am a huge dork. Not just because I hang out on the internet. If you've ever ran into the geek hierarchy chart.. I fit into quite a few places on there. Also, much to my shame, I enjoyed DBZ as much as I did Sailor Moon. Both dragged me into the world of anime.. both kept me glued to the TV back in the day when I had no idea what anime was. Hell, I still enjoy watching DBZ(favorite part ever is when Gohan goes nuts over android 16's death). I have a box set of uncut dubbed sailor moon sitting behind me. I just wish they'd redub Sailor Moon and give it a non suck dub. Reading is fine, but I just want to sit back and enjoy. Then there is the fact I would still be doing martial arts. Then a number of other things I can thank to my specific experiences on either side of the boy girl line. I'm also a slob by nature(though nature can be overcome).

Strange how drastically different the same person can be when you change one little thing, huh? Just that spot between the legs. Change that and suddenly my life isn't recognizable. Ok, I'd still be a geek either way(a geek in the closet is still a geek!), but my attitude toward my gender and my role and what I want to be.. I can imagine myself being drastically different. Some things are only so important because I wasn't aloud to have them once upon a time.

Then again, maybe not so different. Maybe there is an off beat, brave, loud, and openly geeky slob of a girl in me waiting to get out? Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought. Maybe I escaped one set of expectations only to let myself fall into another? I think I'm going to make a list as soon as this post is finished. What I truly enjoy. What I only enjoy because of my struggles. What I do because I am expected to.

It's time to stop just bitching about it and examine myself in full detail. It's time for another change. Time to redefine who I am. I know I am a girl, but what else? I can't make just one jump and expect everything to work out.





One final parting thought. There is no such thing as normal. Nobody in the world can claim to be normal. The world has some strange idea that there should be some baseline everyone matches, but no matter where this line falls.. no one is on it perfectly. Everybody has some weird quirk they have to live with. Everyone has some oddity. Everyone has a little bit of crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with.

Never think you are alone. I know it can be hard.. even impossible to get yourself to realize it.. but you aren't alone. Even if it isn't exactly the same, everyone else is going through something similar. There are parts of themselves they can't or won't deal with. Things they wish they could change. Things they think are unnatural. Things society tells them is wrong. Things they are made to feel ashamed of. Things that are part of the human condition.

There is no normal. Only a foolish and undefined ideal that makes everyone feel bad about themselves. Trying to match it is foolish... and trust me on this one.. will only leave you exhausted in the pursuit. Change what you can. Realize it is pointless to worry about what you can't change. Decide if you are happy before trying to make anyone else happy.