(I was making this a reply to the comments to the last post.. but it got so long.. and I need to update with SOMETHING..)
My AIM is String Games, for the record.
Also, to the person above cosma, I've found out my one key skill is.. well.. perception. Mostly from a conversation with a person with aspergers(no I don't have it.. at least I don't think). They said that all aspy suffers have ONE big area of expertise. After consideration.. mine would be perception.
It makes sense with how I learn and my natural art skill. I can pick up a great amount of detail and solve lots of problems with mental shape shuffling(ranging from math to word puzzles and such). It also allows me, as you said, learn even complex activities from simply watching people do things(handy skill, really). I knew precisely how to work a car before I was ten(no.. I never drove it). I'm the quiet perceptive type. Sitting back and soaking in everything around me. You'd be surprised how much you learn just by sitting back and paying attention. I find that is the biggest problem with kids in school. Other students wanted tips from me on why I was smart. I just said I actually payed attention in class rather than goofing off. I think a lot of them were a bit upset when I couldn't give them any super secret smart tips.
I am actually very capable. I just suffer from lots of confidence issues. If I don't get something right quick then I tend to give up(I expect myself to do it right on the first few tries..).
My biggest issue is actually RETENTION over the long term. I have a lot of issues with my memory. I mean a lot a lot. Basic daily life things as well as complicated stuff. I was having an emo spill in that post. The truth is I just don't remember specific names to be able to properly communicate what I know. So I end up coming off as stupid, and I can't back up any of my arguments despite knowing the other person is full of shit.
Also, yes, sometimes I have off periods. Times when I act a certain way for reasons I don't even know. Times when things start to make less and less sense. I get distressed.. then I lash out emotionally in some way.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday, May 9, 2008
Hm
It has become abundantly clear that I am a gigantic idiot.
Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.
Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.
There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.
I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.
Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.
There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.
I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Random News
Other than trying to decide if I should keep recounting the story of my life..
I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..
Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.
Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.
I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.
I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.
Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.
I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..
Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.
Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.
I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.
I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.
Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Leo and Lilly
Just a little something I wrote. Pardon the dust, but I wrote it on the spur of the moment on a forum.. so I had to paste it a section at a time. It is grouped so I could easily paste it a bit at a time.
One thing, IT IS PORN. XXX. Don't look unless over 18!
YOU ARE WARNED.
http://rapidshare.com/files/110721226/Leo_and_Lilly.txt.html
Good for most people. Amazing for people with a transformation fetish.
As I said, spur of the moment. I had already done an outline, but I skimmed some stuff on purpose. At a later date I am going to go back and brush it up.. expand some ideas.
One thing, IT IS PORN. XXX. Don't look unless over 18!
YOU ARE WARNED.
http://rapidshare.com/files/110721226/Leo_and_Lilly.txt.html
Good for most people. Amazing for people with a transformation fetish.
As I said, spur of the moment. I had already done an outline, but I skimmed some stuff on purpose. At a later date I am going to go back and brush it up.. expand some ideas.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Calling all links!
I no good at intarnets.
Seriously, I suck at finding stuff. Almost everything I know of on the net.. I was linked to by someone else.
My request is somewhat specific. I'd like links handy for trans people to have. Particularly I'm interested in good places to socialize online. It's easy to stumble over any of the basic information people need, but finding good places for online support(person to person) is a bit harder. I used to be registered to a decent forum as Cats Cradle.. but I lost the dang link in a browser update.
I dislike when I can't point others I run across toward a good community to chat with.
Seriously, I suck at finding stuff. Almost everything I know of on the net.. I was linked to by someone else.
My request is somewhat specific. I'd like links handy for trans people to have. Particularly I'm interested in good places to socialize online. It's easy to stumble over any of the basic information people need, but finding good places for online support(person to person) is a bit harder. I used to be registered to a decent forum as Cats Cradle.. but I lost the dang link in a browser update.
I dislike when I can't point others I run across toward a good community to chat with.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Many things..
Hm, only a week since my last post. Not bad considering I am recovering from what I can only describe as a nervous breakdown. In a way I am glad I still live with my parents. I can freak out in my room an no one has to be the wiser. No employer to get on my case for missing work or anything like that.
I'll just cover a few things buzzing around in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and keep bringing more than one post a week.
Hair hair hair. I love my hair. I've said that before right? I know I have. I'll spare the whole speech and say my hair is cut short at the moment. Horror of horrors. I remember once I nearly lost it when I found out a stylist cut it short(this was years ago) despite my instructions. Now.. it doesn't bother me so much. I collect pictures. I am a picture pack rat. At LEAST 50% of the data on my hard drive is jpeg. I do it because I am an artist. I save anything that strikes me in a certain way.. or a hairstyle I like.. or an outfit.
After a while.. I started seeing all these neat pictures of women with short hair. They looked good with it. They looked sexy. It slowly separated me from my long hair obsession. I thought about cutting it.. but getting as long as I had it took a while(even with as fast as my hair grows). I also still liked it that way.
Well, seems odd little opportunities just drop in my lap constantly. It's weird. Do I have this odd aura of luck that presents opportunities just after I consider something? My grandmother wanted me to donate my hair to cancer patients.. you know.. for wigs. I had great hair, and it would really help some people out that lost their hair to kemo. I considered it.. and.. why the hell not?
I got it shaped up after the hair was collected. Long in front.. very short in back. A style I had seen that I liked. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm torn(and with how fast my hair grows it's time to decide if I want to grow it out again). On the one hand it seems to emphasize the fact I look horribly young and adorable. On the other hand.. I do look good with this style. I wouldn't mind looking a bit more mature. I guess it is a grass is always greener thing. Like perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so bad to wait a bit longer to transition. Then again, it seems more like my genetics than when I transitioned. Either way, I hope whoever has my hair is happy and cancer free.
What if I was born a girl. How different would I be as a person? It's not something I can deny.. or anyone in my position can rightly deny. I'm a different woman than I would have been had I the privilege of being treated as a girl my whole life. What kind of girl would I be?
It's hard to say. I can see some possible paths that are quite likely based on real events in my life. I got involved in gymnastics fairly heavily for a time. I never really did anything except as something fun in my spare time. My parents could tell I needed some sort of outlet. A certain program fell into our laps. Gymnastics! They asked rather hesitantly if I wanted to try. They must have been surprised when I responded so enthusiastically. I liked it. I did. I stopped going to the professional gym at some point.. but I still keep in shape and limber. I could see myself diving head first if aloud to freely pick any path I desired. Miss Kitty.. gold medalist! Ok.. so not that.. but I could see myself trying to compete on a small level if my parents were willing to pay.
Though, perhaps more likely, is Miss Kitty the tomboyish geeky type. It seems like such an utterly odd twist of fate, doesn't it? A complete 180. Not a rejection of femininity, mind you. Just settling in where I'd be comfortable. Nothing filling my head over what I should or shouldn't be doing. My secret shame.. I am a huge dork. Not just because I hang out on the internet. If you've ever ran into the geek hierarchy chart.. I fit into quite a few places on there. Also, much to my shame, I enjoyed DBZ as much as I did Sailor Moon. Both dragged me into the world of anime.. both kept me glued to the TV back in the day when I had no idea what anime was. Hell, I still enjoy watching DBZ(favorite part ever is when Gohan goes nuts over android 16's death). I have a box set of uncut dubbed sailor moon sitting behind me. I just wish they'd redub Sailor Moon and give it a non suck dub. Reading is fine, but I just want to sit back and enjoy. Then there is the fact I would still be doing martial arts. Then a number of other things I can thank to my specific experiences on either side of the boy girl line. I'm also a slob by nature(though nature can be overcome).
Strange how drastically different the same person can be when you change one little thing, huh? Just that spot between the legs. Change that and suddenly my life isn't recognizable. Ok, I'd still be a geek either way(a geek in the closet is still a geek!), but my attitude toward my gender and my role and what I want to be.. I can imagine myself being drastically different. Some things are only so important because I wasn't aloud to have them once upon a time.
Then again, maybe not so different. Maybe there is an off beat, brave, loud, and openly geeky slob of a girl in me waiting to get out? Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought. Maybe I escaped one set of expectations only to let myself fall into another? I think I'm going to make a list as soon as this post is finished. What I truly enjoy. What I only enjoy because of my struggles. What I do because I am expected to.
It's time to stop just bitching about it and examine myself in full detail. It's time for another change. Time to redefine who I am. I know I am a girl, but what else? I can't make just one jump and expect everything to work out.
One final parting thought. There is no such thing as normal. Nobody in the world can claim to be normal. The world has some strange idea that there should be some baseline everyone matches, but no matter where this line falls.. no one is on it perfectly. Everybody has some weird quirk they have to live with. Everyone has some oddity. Everyone has a little bit of crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with.
Never think you are alone. I know it can be hard.. even impossible to get yourself to realize it.. but you aren't alone. Even if it isn't exactly the same, everyone else is going through something similar. There are parts of themselves they can't or won't deal with. Things they wish they could change. Things they think are unnatural. Things society tells them is wrong. Things they are made to feel ashamed of. Things that are part of the human condition.
There is no normal. Only a foolish and undefined ideal that makes everyone feel bad about themselves. Trying to match it is foolish... and trust me on this one.. will only leave you exhausted in the pursuit. Change what you can. Realize it is pointless to worry about what you can't change. Decide if you are happy before trying to make anyone else happy.
I'll just cover a few things buzzing around in my head at the moment. Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of things and keep bringing more than one post a week.
Hair hair hair. I love my hair. I've said that before right? I know I have. I'll spare the whole speech and say my hair is cut short at the moment. Horror of horrors. I remember once I nearly lost it when I found out a stylist cut it short(this was years ago) despite my instructions. Now.. it doesn't bother me so much. I collect pictures. I am a picture pack rat. At LEAST 50% of the data on my hard drive is jpeg. I do it because I am an artist. I save anything that strikes me in a certain way.. or a hairstyle I like.. or an outfit.
After a while.. I started seeing all these neat pictures of women with short hair. They looked good with it. They looked sexy. It slowly separated me from my long hair obsession. I thought about cutting it.. but getting as long as I had it took a while(even with as fast as my hair grows). I also still liked it that way.
Well, seems odd little opportunities just drop in my lap constantly. It's weird. Do I have this odd aura of luck that presents opportunities just after I consider something? My grandmother wanted me to donate my hair to cancer patients.. you know.. for wigs. I had great hair, and it would really help some people out that lost their hair to kemo. I considered it.. and.. why the hell not?
I got it shaped up after the hair was collected. Long in front.. very short in back. A style I had seen that I liked. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I'm torn(and with how fast my hair grows it's time to decide if I want to grow it out again). On the one hand it seems to emphasize the fact I look horribly young and adorable. On the other hand.. I do look good with this style. I wouldn't mind looking a bit more mature. I guess it is a grass is always greener thing. Like perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so bad to wait a bit longer to transition. Then again, it seems more like my genetics than when I transitioned. Either way, I hope whoever has my hair is happy and cancer free.
What if I was born a girl. How different would I be as a person? It's not something I can deny.. or anyone in my position can rightly deny. I'm a different woman than I would have been had I the privilege of being treated as a girl my whole life. What kind of girl would I be?
It's hard to say. I can see some possible paths that are quite likely based on real events in my life. I got involved in gymnastics fairly heavily for a time. I never really did anything except as something fun in my spare time. My parents could tell I needed some sort of outlet. A certain program fell into our laps. Gymnastics! They asked rather hesitantly if I wanted to try. They must have been surprised when I responded so enthusiastically. I liked it. I did. I stopped going to the professional gym at some point.. but I still keep in shape and limber. I could see myself diving head first if aloud to freely pick any path I desired. Miss Kitty.. gold medalist! Ok.. so not that.. but I could see myself trying to compete on a small level if my parents were willing to pay.
Though, perhaps more likely, is Miss Kitty the tomboyish geeky type. It seems like such an utterly odd twist of fate, doesn't it? A complete 180. Not a rejection of femininity, mind you. Just settling in where I'd be comfortable. Nothing filling my head over what I should or shouldn't be doing. My secret shame.. I am a huge dork. Not just because I hang out on the internet. If you've ever ran into the geek hierarchy chart.. I fit into quite a few places on there. Also, much to my shame, I enjoyed DBZ as much as I did Sailor Moon. Both dragged me into the world of anime.. both kept me glued to the TV back in the day when I had no idea what anime was. Hell, I still enjoy watching DBZ(favorite part ever is when Gohan goes nuts over android 16's death). I have a box set of uncut dubbed sailor moon sitting behind me. I just wish they'd redub Sailor Moon and give it a non suck dub. Reading is fine, but I just want to sit back and enjoy. Then there is the fact I would still be doing martial arts. Then a number of other things I can thank to my specific experiences on either side of the boy girl line. I'm also a slob by nature(though nature can be overcome).
Strange how drastically different the same person can be when you change one little thing, huh? Just that spot between the legs. Change that and suddenly my life isn't recognizable. Ok, I'd still be a geek either way(a geek in the closet is still a geek!), but my attitude toward my gender and my role and what I want to be.. I can imagine myself being drastically different. Some things are only so important because I wasn't aloud to have them once upon a time.
Then again, maybe not so different. Maybe there is an off beat, brave, loud, and openly geeky slob of a girl in me waiting to get out? Maybe things haven't improved as much as I thought. Maybe I escaped one set of expectations only to let myself fall into another? I think I'm going to make a list as soon as this post is finished. What I truly enjoy. What I only enjoy because of my struggles. What I do because I am expected to.
It's time to stop just bitching about it and examine myself in full detail. It's time for another change. Time to redefine who I am. I know I am a girl, but what else? I can't make just one jump and expect everything to work out.
One final parting thought. There is no such thing as normal. Nobody in the world can claim to be normal. The world has some strange idea that there should be some baseline everyone matches, but no matter where this line falls.. no one is on it perfectly. Everybody has some weird quirk they have to live with. Everyone has some oddity. Everyone has a little bit of crazy. Everyone has something they have to deal with.
Never think you are alone. I know it can be hard.. even impossible to get yourself to realize it.. but you aren't alone. Even if it isn't exactly the same, everyone else is going through something similar. There are parts of themselves they can't or won't deal with. Things they wish they could change. Things they think are unnatural. Things society tells them is wrong. Things they are made to feel ashamed of. Things that are part of the human condition.
There is no normal. Only a foolish and undefined ideal that makes everyone feel bad about themselves. Trying to match it is foolish... and trust me on this one.. will only leave you exhausted in the pursuit. Change what you can. Realize it is pointless to worry about what you can't change. Decide if you are happy before trying to make anyone else happy.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I'm Alright.. and Not
That is to say, I'm unhurt. I didn't do anything drastic. I've been feeling alright for the past week. I've just been relaxing and trying to sort through some things mentally. Examining my behavior.. my beliefs.. examining where my life is headed. What should I change about myself.
As usual I'm right back where I started.
Not to mention it's only a matter of time till I lose control again. No matter what I personally decide to do.. that won't change. There is no amount of willpower and chanting "I will change" that can stop that. I suppose I should explain the last post a bit. I didn't want to come right out and say it. I don't want to be one of the many people on the net self diagnosing mental illnesses and using it as an excuse to be a huge 'tard.
I've known I wasn't all there for a while now, but I don't know quite what was wrong. Doctors didn't either. The ever changing diagnoses dance got tiring so I stopped bothering. They couldn't give me anything that did help so what was the harm in saying I didn't need help anymore? Waste of money. I've been anxious about it since then though. What DO I have? I've read stuff.. medical sites.. that sort of thing. If I did come across something I could always go back and ask to be checked, right?
Well, there is an uncomfortably good chance I am bipolar. Till recently I've taken my mother's stance on the subject.
Mom> *Looking over her glasses at me.. and in the most deadly serious tone..* You are not bipolar.
It was silly, right? No way. Well, I traded stories with friends that are confirmed bipolar. Aside from the boy to girl thing.. our childhoods match up way to well. It's actually kind of creepy how similar the stories are. Practically word for word. It makes me.. uncomfortable. It isn't just the mood swings. There are other facets. I never considered myself paranoid.. or at least not delusional. Though comparing stories.. and looking back on my childhood..
Ugh. Not that I can do anything now. Money is tight. Doctors and medication are expensive as hell, and I don't want to look like a fool and say "hey I need to be checked for bipolar" and ends up I'm just being a hypochondriac.
Who am I kidding? Money IS tight, but that is just a convenient excuse. Truth is I'm scared. What if I go in and I'm right? It seems I am only right when I don't want to be right. It scares me more than I can admit.. even to myself. I try not to think about it.
So, what have I been doing all this time? Not much. Still searching for a job. Plenty of places hiring but none of them ever actually hire anyone. A gas station has had a sign out for months now. Walmart? I actually managed to get an interview once but never got a call back. I need money to continue college, dang it. Not even that. I need to get various doctor visits. Then I need to pay off my credit card(it's sort of the family work horse. We are in a situation where we can pay as much as we are spending.. with a little left over.. but not enough to pay off my parent's collected debts.. at least it's getting me one hell of a credit rating). Usually I just never get a call back. At least I have something new to put on my resume.. so that might help from here on out. Time to reapply everywhere.
Off the subject of jobs though.. if only to prevent myself from going into my usual "what is the value of going to college for an art degree? why don't I just skip the expense and get a day job like i'd have to anyway?" debate.
I did a TOTAL spazz thing. I got milk all over my PS2, and I hadn't finished God of War 1(hey.. I never got a PS2.. why not cash in on the massive library of games that are now going dirt cheap?) or even played some other games I had. I hit the glass.. and it went EVERYWHERE. I'm surprised my room doesn't smell like sour milk now. By the time I realized it was on the PS2.. it was too late to save it. The power button would go green when I pressed it.. then go red again immediately. Then I dropped it. Now something rattles inside it. I cried.
*Hangs head in shame*
Yeah. I'm a complete spazz. I don't know how I can be so graceful AND clumsy at the same time. I sneakily got another PS2. I have a 3k+ credit limit and wasn't using half.. plus plenty in my savings to cover another one. I told my mom.. AFTER I bought it. She agreed that I had too many new games to let go to waste, but the look of sheer HORROR on her face when I told her was classic. It was.. hilarious.. I almost laughed. Oh dear Lord I would pay to see that again. I think she thought it was more expensive than it was. She was relieved when I told her the price. A week's groceries. Still plenty of money, but it won't break the bank.
What else? I've been obsessing over the status of that little thing between my legs. As the result of my little episode I've been wondering if I am just fooling myself into believing I can live like this. I know some will find this offensive.. but I've been doubting my status as a girl because of it's presence. Like I used to a decade ago.. I go to bed hoping for some kind of miracle. I'll wake up and be a real girl. Pray.. despite every part of my mind saying it isn't rational to expect anything to come of it.
I had settled down. I was content to be a girl with a little something extra. It was no big deal. Then suddenly boom.. it wasn't alright. For no reason at all it was no longer alright. The trigger for the freak out had nothing to do with it, but I was suddenly wondering why I wasn't born the right way. Did I do something to deserve a punishment? Did God just hate me? Was I doing something wrong or evil in my life to deserve it? Hopefully anyone reading this now understands what I mean by my mind ripping itself apart. It was a self destructive thought process that was tearing me down from the inside out.
I still wonder if there is anything at all I can do. Is there any way I can change..? I know it's silly. I know it's stupid. No power on this earth can help me, and there is no miracle coming down(hard for me to even type that.. It's giving up all hope). Still, I won't be getting SRS. Having a penis, in and of itself, doesn't bother me. No no.. it's what I'm incapable of that gets me. No surgery.. nothing that can be done will give me what I want. Not what I really want. Yeah, having an actual vagina wouldn't be all it's cracked up to be(GG> What do you mean you WANT cramps?!), but I don't care. I want the whole experience.. even the not so fun parts. I'd suffer a lot to get it.
I wish the universe would just speak up and name its price. As irrational as it is.. I still can't give up hope that there is something out there that can help. I just don't know how to reach it. Sometimes it feels like that is the only reason I keep going.. that maybe.. one day.. the impossible won't be so impossible.
That's pretty much how my time since my last post has been. A flood of confusion and doubt when I had just become certain of my path in life.. only to feel like I've gone nowhere due to my inability to change what I feel is wrong.
Random thought: The episode of Camp Lazlo where they try to catch a snipe was on while I wrote the last part of this. I remember that gag in scouts. The more experienced scouts and leaders tried to play that trick on us. I caught on immediately(Too smart for my own good sometimes.. sometimes), but I decided to play along anyway. Those in on the gag were grateful I decided to keep my mouth shut.
*Point*
Look! There it is! A snipe!
*Contains laughter as friends rush to find it*
As usual I'm right back where I started.
Not to mention it's only a matter of time till I lose control again. No matter what I personally decide to do.. that won't change. There is no amount of willpower and chanting "I will change" that can stop that. I suppose I should explain the last post a bit. I didn't want to come right out and say it. I don't want to be one of the many people on the net self diagnosing mental illnesses and using it as an excuse to be a huge 'tard.
I've known I wasn't all there for a while now, but I don't know quite what was wrong. Doctors didn't either. The ever changing diagnoses dance got tiring so I stopped bothering. They couldn't give me anything that did help so what was the harm in saying I didn't need help anymore? Waste of money. I've been anxious about it since then though. What DO I have? I've read stuff.. medical sites.. that sort of thing. If I did come across something I could always go back and ask to be checked, right?
Well, there is an uncomfortably good chance I am bipolar. Till recently I've taken my mother's stance on the subject.
Mom> *Looking over her glasses at me.. and in the most deadly serious tone..* You are not bipolar.
It was silly, right? No way. Well, I traded stories with friends that are confirmed bipolar. Aside from the boy to girl thing.. our childhoods match up way to well. It's actually kind of creepy how similar the stories are. Practically word for word. It makes me.. uncomfortable. It isn't just the mood swings. There are other facets. I never considered myself paranoid.. or at least not delusional. Though comparing stories.. and looking back on my childhood..
Ugh. Not that I can do anything now. Money is tight. Doctors and medication are expensive as hell, and I don't want to look like a fool and say "hey I need to be checked for bipolar" and ends up I'm just being a hypochondriac.
Who am I kidding? Money IS tight, but that is just a convenient excuse. Truth is I'm scared. What if I go in and I'm right? It seems I am only right when I don't want to be right. It scares me more than I can admit.. even to myself. I try not to think about it.
So, what have I been doing all this time? Not much. Still searching for a job. Plenty of places hiring but none of them ever actually hire anyone. A gas station has had a sign out for months now. Walmart? I actually managed to get an interview once but never got a call back. I need money to continue college, dang it. Not even that. I need to get various doctor visits. Then I need to pay off my credit card(it's sort of the family work horse. We are in a situation where we can pay as much as we are spending.. with a little left over.. but not enough to pay off my parent's collected debts.. at least it's getting me one hell of a credit rating). Usually I just never get a call back. At least I have something new to put on my resume.. so that might help from here on out. Time to reapply everywhere.
Off the subject of jobs though.. if only to prevent myself from going into my usual "what is the value of going to college for an art degree? why don't I just skip the expense and get a day job like i'd have to anyway?" debate.
I did a TOTAL spazz thing. I got milk all over my PS2, and I hadn't finished God of War 1(hey.. I never got a PS2.. why not cash in on the massive library of games that are now going dirt cheap?) or even played some other games I had. I hit the glass.. and it went EVERYWHERE. I'm surprised my room doesn't smell like sour milk now. By the time I realized it was on the PS2.. it was too late to save it. The power button would go green when I pressed it.. then go red again immediately. Then I dropped it. Now something rattles inside it. I cried.
*Hangs head in shame*
Yeah. I'm a complete spazz. I don't know how I can be so graceful AND clumsy at the same time. I sneakily got another PS2. I have a 3k+ credit limit and wasn't using half.. plus plenty in my savings to cover another one. I told my mom.. AFTER I bought it. She agreed that I had too many new games to let go to waste, but the look of sheer HORROR on her face when I told her was classic. It was.. hilarious.. I almost laughed. Oh dear Lord I would pay to see that again. I think she thought it was more expensive than it was. She was relieved when I told her the price. A week's groceries. Still plenty of money, but it won't break the bank.
What else? I've been obsessing over the status of that little thing between my legs. As the result of my little episode I've been wondering if I am just fooling myself into believing I can live like this. I know some will find this offensive.. but I've been doubting my status as a girl because of it's presence. Like I used to a decade ago.. I go to bed hoping for some kind of miracle. I'll wake up and be a real girl. Pray.. despite every part of my mind saying it isn't rational to expect anything to come of it.
I had settled down. I was content to be a girl with a little something extra. It was no big deal. Then suddenly boom.. it wasn't alright. For no reason at all it was no longer alright. The trigger for the freak out had nothing to do with it, but I was suddenly wondering why I wasn't born the right way. Did I do something to deserve a punishment? Did God just hate me? Was I doing something wrong or evil in my life to deserve it? Hopefully anyone reading this now understands what I mean by my mind ripping itself apart. It was a self destructive thought process that was tearing me down from the inside out.
I still wonder if there is anything at all I can do. Is there any way I can change..? I know it's silly. I know it's stupid. No power on this earth can help me, and there is no miracle coming down(hard for me to even type that.. It's giving up all hope). Still, I won't be getting SRS. Having a penis, in and of itself, doesn't bother me. No no.. it's what I'm incapable of that gets me. No surgery.. nothing that can be done will give me what I want. Not what I really want. Yeah, having an actual vagina wouldn't be all it's cracked up to be(GG> What do you mean you WANT cramps?!), but I don't care. I want the whole experience.. even the not so fun parts. I'd suffer a lot to get it.
I wish the universe would just speak up and name its price. As irrational as it is.. I still can't give up hope that there is something out there that can help. I just don't know how to reach it. Sometimes it feels like that is the only reason I keep going.. that maybe.. one day.. the impossible won't be so impossible.
That's pretty much how my time since my last post has been. A flood of confusion and doubt when I had just become certain of my path in life.. only to feel like I've gone nowhere due to my inability to change what I feel is wrong.
Random thought: The episode of Camp Lazlo where they try to catch a snipe was on while I wrote the last part of this. I remember that gag in scouts. The more experienced scouts and leaders tried to play that trick on us. I caught on immediately(Too smart for my own good sometimes.. sometimes), but I decided to play along anyway. Those in on the gag were grateful I decided to keep my mouth shut.
*Point*
Look! There it is! A snipe!
*Contains laughter as friends rush to find it*
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