Has it really been a year?
My apologies, I kept meaning to make this post, but it just kept slipping my mind. Sorry to anyone that still actually checks this in hopes I do something.. anything.
There will be no more updating. The blog served its purpose. I just had a lot of build up angst inside me. I needed to get it out, and I did that. Ignoring that I have little else interesting to tell, I'm not so bursting at the seams.
Thanks to whoever bothered to read this wacky thing.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Alone
Wow. It takes THIS to make me post more than once every ten years, huh?
The house feels horribly empty. I've been spending a lot more time sitting in the same room as my parents.. just watching whatever they are. I could have seen him and pet him any time I wanted. Just go one room over and pet him a bit. I can't do that ever gain. I'll never again hear his nails clack on the wood floor outside my room in the middle of the night. No getting up to let him out before he thinks he can't get out and decides to go on the floor instead(he learned what the bathroom was for.. at least..). No wondering why he randomly pokes his head in my room at random times in the day. I think about the spot he liked to lay in.. and know I'll never find him there.
Now everyone else is asleep. I'm tired.. but I know I won't be able to sleep for a while yet. I used to like having the house to myself at night. I'm a night owl. Now I hate it. I don't want to be here alone.
Oh, this is an old ruling. One that was made early last year even. Long before he even had his ear infection. Mom decided that these were our last two dogs. No more. After they were gone that was it. She'd told me. I kind of agreed. Dogs were expensive and money was getting tighter. What if a dog got ill.. and could be saved.. but we didn't have the money? Apparently she never told dad.
He kind of freaked out about it when she told him. I woke up when a door slammed. Sounded like someone fell so I checked.. she told me what happened. He's been acting like a gigantic butt in general since mom called him at work with the news... that only made him worse. He was a lot less upset after a nap today. He must be having a hard time. I haven't seen him cry over it yet.. and i hope I don't. It's entirely selfish.. but seeing him cry always makes me break down. I can't help it.
Everything feels off. Everything. I had no idea. I never knew. I'd thought about what I'd feel like if he died before. I always came to the conclusion I would be disappointed in my lack of emotion. I never gave him enough attention. I figured our connection wasn't that great. I never knew how much I just depended on him just being there. I never knew the connection was so strong. We didn't need to play together. He didn't do that kind of thing anyway. We just needed to be near each other. That was enough for both of us. That's all either of us wanted.
Now it's like I can feel the emptiness around me.
The house feels horribly empty. I've been spending a lot more time sitting in the same room as my parents.. just watching whatever they are. I could have seen him and pet him any time I wanted. Just go one room over and pet him a bit. I can't do that ever gain. I'll never again hear his nails clack on the wood floor outside my room in the middle of the night. No getting up to let him out before he thinks he can't get out and decides to go on the floor instead(he learned what the bathroom was for.. at least..). No wondering why he randomly pokes his head in my room at random times in the day. I think about the spot he liked to lay in.. and know I'll never find him there.
Now everyone else is asleep. I'm tired.. but I know I won't be able to sleep for a while yet. I used to like having the house to myself at night. I'm a night owl. Now I hate it. I don't want to be here alone.
Oh, this is an old ruling. One that was made early last year even. Long before he even had his ear infection. Mom decided that these were our last two dogs. No more. After they were gone that was it. She'd told me. I kind of agreed. Dogs were expensive and money was getting tighter. What if a dog got ill.. and could be saved.. but we didn't have the money? Apparently she never told dad.
He kind of freaked out about it when she told him. I woke up when a door slammed. Sounded like someone fell so I checked.. she told me what happened. He's been acting like a gigantic butt in general since mom called him at work with the news... that only made him worse. He was a lot less upset after a nap today. He must be having a hard time. I haven't seen him cry over it yet.. and i hope I don't. It's entirely selfish.. but seeing him cry always makes me break down. I can't help it.
Everything feels off. Everything. I had no idea. I never knew. I'd thought about what I'd feel like if he died before. I always came to the conclusion I would be disappointed in my lack of emotion. I never gave him enough attention. I figured our connection wasn't that great. I never knew how much I just depended on him just being there. I never knew the connection was so strong. We didn't need to play together. He didn't do that kind of thing anyway. We just needed to be near each other. That was enough for both of us. That's all either of us wanted.
Now it's like I can feel the emptiness around me.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Dead
He's dead. My dog is dead. Only twenty minutes ago(as of the start of this post) he was put down. I stayed there the whole time. I wasn't going to leave him alone in a strange room with strange people. I'd never have forgiven myself.
He wasn't well for a while, but it wasn't this bad. He's had an ear infection that just wouldn't go away. He was fine and perky with medication, but going off it made his ears spew crud. We had to battle with fleas constantly, but it wasn't too big of a deal(just required a lot of attention to keep him comfortable). He's been more inactive in recent years. Hell, I got him when I was still in daycare. He was old, but he'd never been this bad. He changed what seemed like instantly over the course of the week.. or even less. I don't even know. I was all too glad to let him just lounge if that is what made him happy.
Looking back it should have been obvious something was seriously wrong. Ear problems aside, he was being unusually lethargic the past few days. Even for him(he was never a very active dog.. even as a puppy). He wouldn't eat his dog food(hard food.. he'd eat bits of meat). He was going outside less and less. He even had a pressure sore from laying in the same spot(with all his fur we only saw it after giving him a flea bath). It just happened so fast. One moment.. lazy but happy. The next we were having to drag him outside to wash him because he was too tired to want to walk on his own. He wanted to go outside after the bath. At the time I thought he was just standing around looking at stuff.. but in retrospect.. knowing what I know now.. he was probably trying to pee but couldn't.
Renal failure. He might have been fighting it off for a while. It just FINALLY got him now. His body couldn't compensate anymore. With all his fur you'd never know(he was just one big pile of it).. but he'd lost a lot of weight in a very short space of time. Even if we had all the money in the world.. our options were nothing more than a kind of life support. He'd be constantly going to the vet to get fluids to keep him on his feet. He'd need a special diet to make sure his kidneys didn't do much work. Even with all that he'd still be lethargic and in pain. It wouldn't have been fair to him. Not at all. I did the only thing I could for him. I stayed with him every moment at the end. I made sure he could see I was there. I wasn't going to abandon him in his final moments. My mom left the room.. and I don't blame her. He was mine. I was the one that needed to stay with him. He was so scared to be at the vet.. but he was too weak to do anything this time. I couldn't do that to him.
I'd been meaning to do a portrait of him for a while. Just take a big piece of paper and draw him. I'd put it off so many times. Why didn't I do it while I had the chance? Why didn't I pay more attention to him? I shouldn't have just let him lay in his favorite corner. He loved being pet and brushed. I should have taken more opportunities to do that. I should have done more to make him comfortable.
I remember the first time I saw him. It was December.. almost my birthday. I believe school was out, but my mom and dad worked full time so I had to stay at daycare. Suddenly, mom walked into the playground. She was carrying the most adorable white fluffy puppy. American Eskimo. He had this little santa like hat on. He looked completely worn out. Turns out mom had taken the whole day off instead of working. She'd gotten him from a breeder(not a pet store.. a real breeder) then spend the day getting him his shots and all that stuff. She'd showed up around lunch.. so I got to spend the rest of the day lavishing my love on this adorable creature. It was the most wonderful birthday gift I've ever received. He was kind and loving. He liked nothing more than to lay at your feet and keep you company. That was all he ever desired.
That was very close to fourteen years ago. I hadn't even started my transition yet(gotta mention the trans thing eventually.. this is a trans blog.. right? I think it still is). We let the vet dispose of the body. There is too much out here that would decide to dig up the body.
I don't know what to do from here. I knew his time was coming soon. He was slowing down, but he was gone like that. I barely even had time to say goodbye.
He wasn't well for a while, but it wasn't this bad. He's had an ear infection that just wouldn't go away. He was fine and perky with medication, but going off it made his ears spew crud. We had to battle with fleas constantly, but it wasn't too big of a deal(just required a lot of attention to keep him comfortable). He's been more inactive in recent years. Hell, I got him when I was still in daycare. He was old, but he'd never been this bad. He changed what seemed like instantly over the course of the week.. or even less. I don't even know. I was all too glad to let him just lounge if that is what made him happy.
Looking back it should have been obvious something was seriously wrong. Ear problems aside, he was being unusually lethargic the past few days. Even for him(he was never a very active dog.. even as a puppy). He wouldn't eat his dog food(hard food.. he'd eat bits of meat). He was going outside less and less. He even had a pressure sore from laying in the same spot(with all his fur we only saw it after giving him a flea bath). It just happened so fast. One moment.. lazy but happy. The next we were having to drag him outside to wash him because he was too tired to want to walk on his own. He wanted to go outside after the bath. At the time I thought he was just standing around looking at stuff.. but in retrospect.. knowing what I know now.. he was probably trying to pee but couldn't.
Renal failure. He might have been fighting it off for a while. It just FINALLY got him now. His body couldn't compensate anymore. With all his fur you'd never know(he was just one big pile of it).. but he'd lost a lot of weight in a very short space of time. Even if we had all the money in the world.. our options were nothing more than a kind of life support. He'd be constantly going to the vet to get fluids to keep him on his feet. He'd need a special diet to make sure his kidneys didn't do much work. Even with all that he'd still be lethargic and in pain. It wouldn't have been fair to him. Not at all. I did the only thing I could for him. I stayed with him every moment at the end. I made sure he could see I was there. I wasn't going to abandon him in his final moments. My mom left the room.. and I don't blame her. He was mine. I was the one that needed to stay with him. He was so scared to be at the vet.. but he was too weak to do anything this time. I couldn't do that to him.
I'd been meaning to do a portrait of him for a while. Just take a big piece of paper and draw him. I'd put it off so many times. Why didn't I do it while I had the chance? Why didn't I pay more attention to him? I shouldn't have just let him lay in his favorite corner. He loved being pet and brushed. I should have taken more opportunities to do that. I should have done more to make him comfortable.
I remember the first time I saw him. It was December.. almost my birthday. I believe school was out, but my mom and dad worked full time so I had to stay at daycare. Suddenly, mom walked into the playground. She was carrying the most adorable white fluffy puppy. American Eskimo. He had this little santa like hat on. He looked completely worn out. Turns out mom had taken the whole day off instead of working. She'd gotten him from a breeder(not a pet store.. a real breeder) then spend the day getting him his shots and all that stuff. She'd showed up around lunch.. so I got to spend the rest of the day lavishing my love on this adorable creature. It was the most wonderful birthday gift I've ever received. He was kind and loving. He liked nothing more than to lay at your feet and keep you company. That was all he ever desired.
That was very close to fourteen years ago. I hadn't even started my transition yet(gotta mention the trans thing eventually.. this is a trans blog.. right? I think it still is). We let the vet dispose of the body. There is too much out here that would decide to dig up the body.
I don't know what to do from here. I knew his time was coming soon. He was slowing down, but he was gone like that. I barely even had time to say goodbye.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Proast! Hah Hah!
(I was making this a reply to the comments to the last post.. but it got so long.. and I need to update with SOMETHING..)
My AIM is String Games, for the record.
Also, to the person above cosma, I've found out my one key skill is.. well.. perception. Mostly from a conversation with a person with aspergers(no I don't have it.. at least I don't think). They said that all aspy suffers have ONE big area of expertise. After consideration.. mine would be perception.
It makes sense with how I learn and my natural art skill. I can pick up a great amount of detail and solve lots of problems with mental shape shuffling(ranging from math to word puzzles and such). It also allows me, as you said, learn even complex activities from simply watching people do things(handy skill, really). I knew precisely how to work a car before I was ten(no.. I never drove it). I'm the quiet perceptive type. Sitting back and soaking in everything around me. You'd be surprised how much you learn just by sitting back and paying attention. I find that is the biggest problem with kids in school. Other students wanted tips from me on why I was smart. I just said I actually payed attention in class rather than goofing off. I think a lot of them were a bit upset when I couldn't give them any super secret smart tips.
I am actually very capable. I just suffer from lots of confidence issues. If I don't get something right quick then I tend to give up(I expect myself to do it right on the first few tries..).
My biggest issue is actually RETENTION over the long term. I have a lot of issues with my memory. I mean a lot a lot. Basic daily life things as well as complicated stuff. I was having an emo spill in that post. The truth is I just don't remember specific names to be able to properly communicate what I know. So I end up coming off as stupid, and I can't back up any of my arguments despite knowing the other person is full of shit.
Also, yes, sometimes I have off periods. Times when I act a certain way for reasons I don't even know. Times when things start to make less and less sense. I get distressed.. then I lash out emotionally in some way.
My AIM is String Games, for the record.
Also, to the person above cosma, I've found out my one key skill is.. well.. perception. Mostly from a conversation with a person with aspergers(no I don't have it.. at least I don't think). They said that all aspy suffers have ONE big area of expertise. After consideration.. mine would be perception.
It makes sense with how I learn and my natural art skill. I can pick up a great amount of detail and solve lots of problems with mental shape shuffling(ranging from math to word puzzles and such). It also allows me, as you said, learn even complex activities from simply watching people do things(handy skill, really). I knew precisely how to work a car before I was ten(no.. I never drove it). I'm the quiet perceptive type. Sitting back and soaking in everything around me. You'd be surprised how much you learn just by sitting back and paying attention. I find that is the biggest problem with kids in school. Other students wanted tips from me on why I was smart. I just said I actually payed attention in class rather than goofing off. I think a lot of them were a bit upset when I couldn't give them any super secret smart tips.
I am actually very capable. I just suffer from lots of confidence issues. If I don't get something right quick then I tend to give up(I expect myself to do it right on the first few tries..).
My biggest issue is actually RETENTION over the long term. I have a lot of issues with my memory. I mean a lot a lot. Basic daily life things as well as complicated stuff. I was having an emo spill in that post. The truth is I just don't remember specific names to be able to properly communicate what I know. So I end up coming off as stupid, and I can't back up any of my arguments despite knowing the other person is full of shit.
Also, yes, sometimes I have off periods. Times when I act a certain way for reasons I don't even know. Times when things start to make less and less sense. I get distressed.. then I lash out emotionally in some way.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Hm
It has become abundantly clear that I am a gigantic idiot.
Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.
Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.
There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.
I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Honestly, I don't know how I ever managed looking smart. In high school I was a B student. That is with the least amount of effort I could actually manage. I never did homework. I actually missed so much school that I got in trouble with the truancy officer. I still managed As and Bs with no effort. Any school I was in wanted to skip me or put me in some sort of advanced placement.
Yet I am not actually capable of doing ANYTHING competently. Actually trying to talk to anyone about anything makes this obvious. How I see and understand things doesn't jive with.. well.. anyone I've ever encountered. This has made the world incredibly confusing and frustrating. Each day that goes by it feels like things make less and less sense. Everything is just confusing now.
There is.. no subject I am so much as competent on. I'm not a writer.. an artist.. an athlete. I'm not even a thinker. I can't actually seem to do anything on my own. I need everything explained to me. I have to be walked through everything.
I guess there isn't any real point to this post except to whine and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Random News
Other than trying to decide if I should keep recounting the story of my life..
I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..
Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.
Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.
I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.
I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.
Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.
I've been yo yo ing(wait.. how should that be typed?) faster than.. some type of very fast yo yo. Not the emotional type, though that is equally annoying. It's weird. I keep running it over in my head. Do I want to keep my winky or to go all the way? One week.. one seems attractive.. then the next week I feel like..
Bleh. I feel like I might as well just flip a coin. I don't feel strongly one way or the other.
Aside from that, the job search isn't going well. I don't know what it is, but no one hires despite saying they are actively hiring. I seem to be having less luck than I used to.. despite having some sort of experience to put on my resume now(well.. more like stock forms everyone uses now instead of handing in resumes.. but it collects the same info). I'm wondering if it is because I can no longer say I'll work any day of the week. I have to leave Saturdays out.. which probably seems very selfish.. or uncommitted for someone with so little job experience.
I can't help it though. Here's the funny thing about it. Dad is the one breathing down my neck about trying to get a job in this hole we moved to.. and he insisted on forcing me into a group I wanted nothing to do with. Thanks to that I have experience to put on a resume(secretary), but until they get off the ground.. I can't say I will devote all my time to another job. They won't survive without me at this point, and it will be many months(even a year if things keep going at this rate) till I can stop helping them.
I guess I could quit.. but the whole thing would fold like a house of cards. Barely enough people come to make it work. Least I could do is take an hour each month to record the meeting(apparently I'm quite good and dedicated to it despite it being easy and only taking an hour a month to do.. silly people). So now I have to keep doing this or feel horrible guilt at letting it fail, and ONE hour of each month is what stops me from saying my Saturday's are free. An employer doesn't want to hear an explanation, and I doubt they want to hear me whine about how the meeting has been moved this month and blah blah blah. Who are they going to hire? Two people with next to no experience.. one will work Saturdays.. one won't.
Of course this is all just me ranting and my best guess. I just know no one is calling about employment. There aren't that many places to apply here.. and I've been rejected before. All I can keep doing is reapplying despite knowing they don't want me. If we still lived in a big city.. lots of places to apply.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Leo and Lilly
Just a little something I wrote. Pardon the dust, but I wrote it on the spur of the moment on a forum.. so I had to paste it a section at a time. It is grouped so I could easily paste it a bit at a time.
One thing, IT IS PORN. XXX. Don't look unless over 18!
YOU ARE WARNED.
http://rapidshare.com/files/110721226/Leo_and_Lilly.txt.html
Good for most people. Amazing for people with a transformation fetish.
As I said, spur of the moment. I had already done an outline, but I skimmed some stuff on purpose. At a later date I am going to go back and brush it up.. expand some ideas.
One thing, IT IS PORN. XXX. Don't look unless over 18!
YOU ARE WARNED.
http://rapidshare.com/files/110721226/Leo_and_Lilly.txt.html
Good for most people. Amazing for people with a transformation fetish.
As I said, spur of the moment. I had already done an outline, but I skimmed some stuff on purpose. At a later date I am going to go back and brush it up.. expand some ideas.
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